When I got sentenced to 18 years in prison, I had a facebook page friend list over 5 hundred. I would sell between 35 and 85 tickets to friends and family to my amature cage fights.
In the last three years of incarseration 9 people have come to see me, and my mom has been to see me more than the other 8 people combined probably 10:1
At some point in this sea of mind numbing time I started to wonder if I somehow dont deserve visits. Or maby I was a dirtbag out there, or was selfish and a bad friend.
I made some mistakes, please believe me. But do I deserve to rot alone in this cage?
This place is bittersweet. It has weeded all the fake out of my life and yet, its lonely with out all the fake smiles. I dont understand why I am programed to feel like that. Why a fake smile is better than no smile. A fake friend is better than no friend?
I value the few remaining people in my life. I know I dont need fake people in my life as much as I dont want to be fake. I am just comming to terms with my choices and consiquences.
I am loosing touch with any resemblance of normal social interaction. I guess this is a side affect of incarseration called institutionalization.
I guess its a natural effect of prison. Its just weird to be conscious of it as It happens.
Just some random thoughts as another visit weekend goes by with no visits. I miss my family alot. Maby its just the holidays………
Happy Holidays to everybody……..dont forget about the kids and elders this holiday season. Drop in on someone and make there day………or maby there whole year. Take the time……..it goes quick.